The Den of the Rabid Plot Bunnies
by Comosicus
Summary: A collection of my ramblings: rabid plot bunnies which might eventually grow up and breed into full stories. Rated M for safety.
1. An Excess of Zeal

**Summary: Dolores Umbridge decides to pull out all the stops in the Dementor Incident, without realizing that consequences of her actions.**

_"Not Harry! Not him! I beg you!"_

_"Step aside, stupid woman."_

_The voice of the woman was cut sharply in a glow of green light and a sound of rushing wind._

Harry shook from the memory of his mother's death and took a better look around him. The air was frozen with the presence of the Dementors and the stench of despair saturated the air. One of the fiendish creatures was approaching the shivering form of Dudley, balled in fetal position on the brittle grass. The other was was looming above him, one skeletal hand poised to grab him for the last kiss of his life. He tried to crawl back, to put some distance between him and the nightmarish shade, when his hand stopped atop a very familiar piece of round, polished wood and clenched around it by instinct. It was his wand that he had dropped earlier when the aura of the Dementors had overwhelmed him. Now, he had the means to fight back. Now he was prey no more.

Harry went deep in his mind and summoned his most treasured memory: the flight atop Buckbeack to rescue his godfather, the feeling of Hermione holding him tight and shouting hoarse in his ears, the wonderful feeling that had enveloped him when Sirius promised to take him in his home when he would have gotten his name cleared. He had a family, a loving one (the menagerie of his Dursley relatives did not count as such) and he would not allow some Grim Reaper-wannabes to take him away from that. And so, with a mighty shout of "Expecto Patronum", Prongs rode again.

The Dementor poised above him did not even had time to twitch before the glowing stag impaled him in his antlers, shaking him around like a rag. His screeches attracted the attention of his companion, who had managed to grab a hold of Dudley's clothes and was preparing to suck his soul out. He was forced to let go however, as Prongs, who had banished the first creature away, was now on top of him. The creature let a screech of frustration and retreated in a hurry, the glowing stag hot on his heels.

Harry let go of his breath (which he did not realize he was holding) and looked around. Prongs was still circling the park, but the Dementors were nowhere to be seen, their oppressing presence was gone and the air had returned to the stifling hot level from before the incident. He was just about to approach the shivering form of his cousin when series of pops sounded behind him. Harry turned around and saw three persons - two burly men clad in the blue robes of the Aurors and one toadish woman wearing an obnoxious pink suit. But before he was able to make a single sound, an unseen force hauled him from the ground and threw him further away while his wand was yanked from his hand and flew towards the new arrivals.

"Tut, tut, Mr. Potter," sounded the sickly sweet voice of the woman. "Using magic during the holidays. And in front of a Muggle as well. Such crass disregard for the rules. But what else can one expect from a criminal as yourself? I pleaded to the Minister not to overlook your transgression two years ago. I warned him that he will regret his kindness, that you are nothing but trouble. Maybe if he would have listened to me, we would have been spared the mockery you did of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. And maybe young Mr. Diggory would still be among us."

Harry opened his mouth to protest, but found himself unable to make a sound. He realized that he was under a Silencing charm. That he heard no one saying the spell meant very little. The 'Expeliarmus' that had disarmed him a moment before has been silent as well. After all, these were Aurors, not school children. Meanwhile the toady continued her tirade, only the wicked gleam in her eyes betraying that she noticed his efforts.

"As it stands though, you are now guilty of the second unauthorized use of Underage Magic. Thus, in my official position as the Senior Undersecretary of the Minister of Magic, I, Dolores Umbridge, hereby expel you from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

A loud crack was heard then and Harry looked in horror as his wand fell to the ground, broken clearly in two pieces. He tried to lunge forward, to gather the pieces and cradle them to his chest. Two more quick spells flashed though and he found himself stiff as a board and bound in ropes on the ground.

"Oh dear. Mr. Potter, you dig your grave deeper and deeper. I think this counts as attempted assault on an Auror on duty. This is a very serious crime, one that will see you in Azkaban for a while. Mr. Dawlish, take care of the Muggle's memory, then we'll escort Mr. Potter to his new accommodations."

Harry started to panic. It seems that he was cursed to share his godfather's fate: to be thrown in Azkaban without a trial while being innocent of the crimes he was accused. He struggled to overcome the spells holding him, but to no avail. He managed to see a gray jet of light hitting Dudley in the head then both Aurors closed on him.

"YOUSE NOT HURTING MISTER HARRY POTTER SIR!"

The three Ministry officials stopped on their tracks surprised at the squeaky voice of Dobby. With a small pop the elf appeared between Harry and the adults, an unusual fierce look on his tiny face. One snap of the knobby fingers and the stooges found themselves thrown hard against the surrounding trees. Another snap and their wands burst into flames. The third one made their clothes enlarge and tie their ends like straight jackets. The final snap allowed Harry to regain his freedom of speech and movement.

"Is Great Mister Harry Potter Sir all righty? Dobby is so sorry, but house elf magics is not being working on bad Dementirors. And now Mister Harry Potter Sir is in trouble with bad men from the Ministry and the bad toad woman got Harry Potter Sir's wand broken and Harry Potter Sir was expelliated from Hoggywarts. Bad, bad Dobby."

Harry grabbed Dobby as he was just about to rush headfirst into another tree. He then kneeled by the tiny shaking figure and engulfed the elf in a hug.

"Hush Dobby, you are not a bad elf. You were wonderful earlier and you saved my bacon yet again. I thought for sure they'll gonna toss me in Azkaban just like that. Fudge really seems to have it for me. But there's no time for that now. They might wake up any moments or there could be reinforcements looking for them. We have to get out of here as soon as possible."

"Dobby can pop Great Mister Harry Potter Sir away from here. Where does Mister Harry Potter Sir wishes to goes?"

"I don't think is safe to return to the Dursleys now. They'll find me again in no time. Heck, I bet Uncle Vernon will be more than glad to hand me over. I need to hide somewhere where they won't think to look for me. Think Potter, think! The Weasleys are out. So is Hermione's place. That's where they'll look for me first. Damn it! There's nowhere in the Muggle world that I can think about and they'll be on my back in mere moments if I go to the Wizarding world. If only I knew where Sirius is these days... That's it! Sirius hid last year in a cave, in the hills above the Shrieking Shack in Hogsmeade. Do you know where that is, Dobby?"

"Dobby knows it. Dobby takes Harry Potter Sir there right now."

Harry took Dobby's hand and braced for the journey. To his surprise it was so unlike a portkey. One moment he was in the park in Surrey, the next he was in the cave overlooking the Forbidden Forrest. No hooks in his navel, no jerks, no tumbling on the ground. He decided then and there that elf-popping was the way to travel in the Wizarding world.

"Great job, Dobby. Could you grab all my things from the Dursleys as well? I don't think I will be able to return there. There's also a hiding place under a loose floorboard under the bed, where the must important stuff is. And please don't forget about Hedwig."

It took mere moments for Dobby to return with his trunk and a terribly displeased snowy owl. That was no way for an honest owl to travel. No, sir! And she gleefully took the next few minutes doing her best to express her irritation with shrieks, wing flapping and the occasional ear-nipping.

"Had enough girl? I understand you are terribly upset about it. But it was a choice between this and letting the Ministry or worse, the Dursleys, get their hands on you. That was no mere coincidence that the Aurors appeared only moments after I repelled the Dementors. They want to silence me - to stop me from telling about Voldemort's return. Say, Dobby, do you think you can get a message to Sirius or Professor Dumbledore? Let them know what happened and where I am now?"

The little creature started to wring his ears in his hands, with an embarrassed look on his tiny face.

"Dobby is so sorry, but Dobby can not senses Mr. Harry Potter's dogfather. He musts be under heavy wards. Also Dobby can not leave Mr. Harry Potter alone. Dobby must maintain the ward so that owlses of the nasty Ministry does not find Mr. Harry Potter Sir. Letter from nasty Ministry can has tracking charms on them and can lead the very very bad people to Mr. Harry Potter Sir."

"Good thinking Dobby. I never knew about that. I don't dare send Hedwig anywhere now either. She's too well known and I don't want her to get hurt or worse. I guess we're stuck here for now. We can only hope Professor Dumbledore manages to find us before the Ministry does."

Silence dropped over the cave where wizard, owl and elf settled down, waiting to see what fate had next in store for them.


	2. Down the Rabbit Hole

**Notes: This chapter is a cross-over with Stargate:SG1 and begins from the idea that the Veil in the Department of Mysteries is actually a crude custom Stargate. The first part was inspired by Robst's "No Hurry at All" and I'm taking things my way from the second part. I had initially the two parts separated, but I think they can very well stay together.**

* * *

For once, Harry was starting to believe that maybe old bat Trelawney might get another prediction turn true today - the one where he was to die a horrific death. Even worse was that his friends might share his fate as well. Not even the arrival of the Order members just minutes before did not seem to turn the tide. Their initial advantage of surprise was wearing off and they were slowly being pushed back.

They were at this moment in large hall, so much alike the courtroom where he had tried for underage magic the last summer. Rows of stone benches were overlooking a raised platform where stood a large arch, made of a dark material. Stopping behind one of the benches to catch his breath, Harry dared to look around and assess the situation. Closest to him was Professor Lupin, exchanging spells with one Death Eater he thought he could identify as McNair, the one who was sent to execute Buckbeack two years ago. Further was Mad Eye Moody, holding his own agains two opponents. On the other side Kingsley Shacklebolt was crossing wands with Lucius Malfoy. And finally, close to the platform in the center of the room, Sirius was fighting the Wicked Witch herself - Bellatrix Lestrange. There was no sight of his friends - they must have scattered in different directions over the course of the fight. Also a number of Death Eaters were missing, which meant that the tide could turn against them even more at any moment.

Harry also realized how lucky they have been so far and that initially the Death Eaters have been holding back a lot, probably to avoid damaging the prophecy ball. The gloves were off now though and all around him the fight was taking place at a level he couldn't have imagined before. That did not mean though that he was backing off the fight now. Professor Lupin was too busy with his opponent to pay attention to him, so he started moving towards Sirius, using the benches as cover and trying to attract as little attention as possible. His godfather, a wanted man, has risked everything coming to his help tonight and he was not going to leave him face that bitch alone.

On his approach Harry couldn't help but notice a change in the arch atop the central platform, no doubt a result of the stray spells hitting it and all the magic saturating the air. Scattered all across the surface, electric blue runes were flickering to life one after another. The faint whispers from before were being replaced by a deep throbbing hum that was making his teeth vibrate. Whatever the purpose of the device was, the surrounding battle was turning it on.

A commotion at the hall entrance caught his attention. It proved to be a couple of the missing Death Eaters, casting back at a yet unseen opponent. Considering that they were throwing only Killing Curses, their foe must have been a formidable one and Harry felt a flicker of hope. After all, an enemy the Death Eaters feared so much to run away from could only be a friend. The hope turned to elation when Professor Dumbledore himself appeared on the doorway, his wand a blur of motion, conjuring stone slabs to intercept the sickly green beams that sought to end his life. The Death Eaters seemed to reconsider their chances and decide that a retreat was their best solution at the moment. One of Mad Eye's opponents turned around and blew a hole in the wall behind him, making an escape route. Taking advantage of the reduced rate of incoming fire, Professor Dumbledore made a wide sweeping motion, sending a visible wave of magic across the entire room, knocking down any Death Eater it touched. That was the moment when everything went to hell.

As the force wall encountered the arch, it appear to freeze in place for a fraction of a second, then it got absorbed completely inside the device. Seven large runes blazed to life at equal intervals across the circumference and a geyser-like vortex, about 20 feet long, erupted from the device. The stormy pillar hit a retreating Lucius Malfoy dead on, before reforming in a water-like membrane that filled the entire archway. In its wake, a pair of feet, from the knee downward, in expensive leather boots was everything that was left from the once proud pureblood aristocrat.

Bellatrix was the first one to regain her senses. With a crazed shriek she surged forward, a flurry of curses flying from her wand. Sirius was suddenly hard pressed to defend himself and was forced back, towards the rippling surface of the archway. In no time his godfather has been pushed all the way to the top of the platform, when an explosive curse hit the floor right in front of him. The blast took the Marauder off his feet, blowing him away into the archway, where he disappeared from view, accompanied by the maniacal laugh of his crazy cousin.

In mere fractions of a moment Harry felt a broad range of feelings. Heart-gripping worry made place for blazing fury, then to ice cold determination. With new found strength he sent a trio of overpowered Reductos towards the laughing witch, as he dashed forward towards the archway. He did not hear Lupin's anguished cry, asking him to stop and he was already too far away for the older man to hold him in place. He did not look back to see a startled Bellatrix raising a shield, that barely stopped the first spell, and crumbled under the second one. The third spell passed unopposed, turning her head into a red mess of blood, bone and brains. The Wicked Witch was no more. Yet none of this registered with the young wizard as he crossed the rippling surface. The next moment the membrane vanished, leaving behind an inert archway, a bunch of incapacitated Death Eaters and Order members, a dumbstruck Headmaster and a kneeling, crying werewolf.

* * *

There was only one thought in the mind of young Harry Potter as he rushed towards the archway. His godfather had passed through and he was going to follow him even if it took him to the very depths of hell. Therefore there was no hesitation as he stepped through the rippling surface in front of him. The first sensation was one of extreme cold, followed by feeling not unlike the one of a portkey, as he appeared to rush through a tunnel of light that twisted between stars. Next thing he knew he was tumbling through the air and coming to a hard stop on a sunlit grassy field. Yet all the dizziness and pain was forgotten when he heard his godfather's muffled voice.

"Way to go, Black, getting killed when your godson needed you the most. Not to mention you were too young and handsome to kick the bucket. I am amazed Prongs and Lilly are not already here waiting to tan my flea bitten hide."

Harry felt a smile spreading on his lips. Sirius was OK and that was everything that mattered. Yet his words made little sense to him.

"Uh... Sirius... I don't know about you, but I feel pretty much alive, thank you very much. Are you sure that last spell didn't give you a concussion or something?"

Sirius Black liked to think he was badass enough that nothing could shock him anymore. Yet the sound of Harry's words hit him like a poleaxe. He raised slowly on his elbows and knees and turned his head to towards his godson. He took a few moments looking at Harry, blinked a few times then let loose with the first thought that crossed his mind:

"Harry, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I came after you, of course. Merlin knows you need someone to take care of you. You seem even a bigger trouble magnet than I am."

"Harry, the Archway of Death has been used as an execution device for centuries before Azkaban was built. What are you kids learning in History of Magic these days? And what is a magnet?"

"We learn how to nap properly. I don't know how it was in your time, but now Binns just drones on and on about goblin rebellions. There was nothing like that in Hermione's notes either. We would have heard from her for days if she knew anything. So either they reworked the curriculum or we didn't reach that part yet. Oh, and don't call me Shirley. My name is Harry. Are you sure there's no concussion at all? And magnets are a muggle thing that attract iron"

Despite the situation, Sirius felt a smile rising on his lips. If his godson was making bad puns about names, things were not as dark as they appeared to be.

"Ok, kid, time for a history lesson then. The Archway of Death is an artifact from the time of the Founders and it was used as an execution device. The condemned was petrified and levitated in front of the archway and the erupting vortex would disintegrate him instantly"

"Like what happened to Malfoy?" asked Harry. "The only things left of him that I saw were his boots and that fancy snake-head pimp cane of his."

"Yeah," acknowledged Sirius. "A fitting end for a slimy snake like him. Although what happened next was never described before. All records in the Black library describe the archway shutting down immediately. There was nothing about walls of water and portals to Merlin knows where. I would say we are about halfway around the world. It seems to be almost noon, while we left before midnight from England."

Harry took a moment to look around. They were on a large grassy clearing, surrounded by a light curtain of trees about half a mile away. The sky was clear blue, with small fluffy white clouds, but the sun was a bit strange with its bluish tint instead of the normal orange. The moon was also visible right above the horizon and its surface was also unlike the one he remembered from his Astronomy lessons. The real shock came about a moment later, making the teen wizard gasp in surprise.

"Padfoot, old boy, I don't think we're on Earth anymore."

Sirius turned to the direction his godson was pointing and had to stifle a gasp of his own. For one of the clouds in its continuous transformation, revealed behind it a second moon, smaller and with a reddish tint. Both wizards stood in silence, trying to digest the information about their current situation.

Sirius was the first to take a deep breath and rise from the ground.

"All right, Harry, cheer up. We're alive, with no important injuries and that's what matters most right now. We will find a way to return home, sooner or later, but first we need to take care of survival. We will need food, shelter and information, in this order. We can conjure any water we need, there is no need to worry about dehydration."

Despite the gravity of the situation, Harry felt hope again, as well as a smile tugging at his lips. It was interesting seeing Sirius so focused. Still, he couldn't help but take another playful shot at his godfather.

"I see you can be serious when the situation calls for it. You almost sound like Hermione. Have you been with the boy scouts or something?"

"Actually, yes," replied Sirius, with a grin. "Your father and I joined for the summer before our fourth year. We've seen them doing a parade through London and there were some good looking birds there. But we couldn't resist for more than a couple of weeks living like Muggles, so we gave up. But this survival stuff is something I picked during my Auror training. Mad-Eye had taken a liking to me and your father, along with a few others and he organized some extra training with a chap from the States. The guy has been in the Special Forces or something and he dropped us in the Highlands for two weeks. No food, no water, no shelter, just our wands and the promise of a good thrashing if we left the area before the time was up. Anyway, I can tell you more stories later. Let's move on now, we're burning daylight."

With a flick of his wand Sirius spelled away the grass, dust and debris that had covered his robes. After doing the same service for Harry and healing any scrapes they had acquired during the fight, he spoke to his godson.

"Let's have a look at the Portal first. Maybe there is something we can learn about it."

First thing they noticed was that the Portal was different from the one in the Ministry. While the first one looked more like a gothic archway, this one was a perfect circle, partially embedded in the platform it was sitting on. The device was made of two concentric parts. The outer one had seven triangular shapes, evenly spread around the visible circumference, while the inner ring had a large number of runes or symbols, also evenly spread. In front of the raised platform there was a raised pedestal, with a flattened head, with the same symbols, arranged in two circles around a great reddish crystal.

Sirius cast a few spells at the two devices, but the look on his face showed he did not got any illuminating answers

"Can you make anything out of this, Harry? My spells only say that is something very complicated. It's like Muggle technology, but a lot more complex. Some of the symbols look a bit like what I've seen when your mother was studying Ancient Runes. I never took the course though so I can't be of any more help."

Harry took a few moments to examine the circular archway, taking care not to stay directly in front of it, as he did not want to share the same fate as Malfoy in case the Portal engaged again. He moved then to the short pedestal and tentatively touched one glyph. He was rewarded with a metallic sound, as the glyph lit, together with one of the triangular shapes on the Portal. He presses the glyph again, causing it to shut down, then turned towards his godfather.

"I think it is some sort of selector, like a Muggle phone, where you input the number you want to call. Only in this case it might be the destination of the portal. You put seven symbols as the address then I presume you must touch that big crystal in the center. But there must be millions of possible combinations and there is no way we can try them all. We will need an address book to know where to go."

"That settles it then. I'll put some monitoring charms around this area. It will let us know if someone else comes through. Not very likely, but we should cover all our bases. Whoever placed the portal here, did not intend to hide it. Yet there are no signs of people passing, no tracks in the grass, no roads, so it is seems not to be used too often. Now, pay attention to what I'm doing and I'll teach you the spells we're going to use."

It took more than half an hour for Harry to learn the monitoring spells, but in the end his results were as better as his godfather's. They decided to put a double layer, each one keyed to one of them, just in case. Once the task was finished, they took a moment to consider their next move.

"I can see some mountains far to the north, so that could be a good direction to begin," started Sirius. "We might be able to get a better view of the surrounding area from there. Also, I think we should be looking for a source of fresh water too. I know we don't really need it, but animals have to drink. We will be able to hunt some for food, or maybe find some fish too. We'll check the forest on the way for edible fruits and I'll show you some spells to detect poisons. The Blacks had many enemies so these spells were taught to every family member at a young age."

"Sounds great, Sirius. You know, it will be almost like a vacation, hiking in the wild. Or like in one of the books I had to read for school, back before Hogwarts. I can be Robinson Crusoe and you'll be my faithful savage man-servant Friday. You're a bit too white, but a bit of mud, or a coloring charm and you'll be all set up. Now, did I tell you of that time in second year when me and Ron ended in the middle of the Forbidden Forrest? It was right after Hagrid has been arrested..."

Talking and laughing, the two wizards started their journey, leaving behind the portal that had delivered them so far from home.


End file.
